Diary of an Ex-Gay ManPart 1http://pfox.org/diary_exgay_man.html
By Jake Taylor
My name is Jake. I’m an ex-gay man in my 20’s from England. This diary is for all those who are opposed to the idea of change in sexual orientation.
Experts have been researching sexuality for decades. They tell us sexuality is a changing and fluidic entity in many people. Data shows that sexual feelings can vary over the course of a lifetime. The statistically proven fact is that many people change their sexual orientation. I am one of those persons.
I don’t feel very sexually attracted to men anymore; I now find girls much more attractive.
At one time, I did not. Now, I do.
At one time on lonely nights I fell asleep imagining myself cuddled up with another man; now I can only imagine myself with a feminine girl.
Some people are uncomfortable with this fact. They are so insecure with their own sexuality that they cannot accept that some people no longer share their feelings.
They’re more than happy to see people turn gay, but they don’t like it happening the other way around. Sometimes men like myself are called hate-mongers. Simply because I don’t want to have sex with men anymore!
Would they like me to keep quiet about my sexuality change, to “live a lie” and deny that anything happened? The answer seems to be yes! They wish to silence me, deny me the right to live my life as I choose, and would like to force me to lead a lifestyle that they think is right!
Not only am I not gay anymore, but I'm happier too. I will lead my life the way I choose to lead it - not the way anyone else tells me to. I chose to change my sexuality. And it worked.
To quote the gay rights protesters,
I’m no longer queer,
GET USED TO IT!
Hello. My name is Jake. I'm a young man in my 20’s from the United Kingdom. At one time I was only attracted to other guys. I didn't find girls emotionally or physically appealing in any way. I was gay, I had boyfriends (fell "in love"), and slept around with other men anonymously for sexual thrills. However, like some other gay people, I was not happy (although the sex was admittedly fun at times and highly addictive). I did not want my future to be like that of the pathetic old gay men I saw in the "gay" world.
Thankfully, in March 2003 I discovered a form of psychotherapy, often called Reparative Therapy or Gender Affirmation therapy. It attempts to treat the root causes of your homosexuality, and gradually allow your heterosexual "true self" to appear. The therapy has success rate typical for most forms of psychotherapy, about a third of persons who do it properly and don't give up experience "good change." Thanks to much determination, I am among those for whom it has worked well. My homosexual attractions have diminished significantly, and I have been experiencing greater and greater heterosexual feelings for the first time. Hopefully I will continue to progress even further.
Here in my diary, I reveal the daily struggles and successes of a person struggling with unwanted same sex attraction (SSA).Development
Over two decades ago, I was born a healthy heterosexual baby boy. However, of the next few years, foundation stones would be laid, finally to be built upon by same-sex attraction.
Of the many things that contributed to my SSA, I'd have to say the most significant were wounds inflicted by my peers - making me feel excluded, inferior, etc., to other males. Although that may have not happened if my mother hadn't been so over-protective of me when I was a child, and had actually encouraged me to mix with the other children and play sports with them. My parents set me up for SSA, but it was my peers that finally hammered the nails into the coffin. Even if my parents were perfect, I still may have developed SSA.
When I was a teenager, I developed an acute inferiority complex with regards to anything masculine. I felt totally inferior to the men I saw around me and on TV, and as much as I wanted to "be a man," that goal always felt far beyond my reach. I wanted to be a strong, tall, and confident man. Instead I felt like a weak, short, excluded, and inferior boy. Hence, I started to admire the masculine appearance of men, as something I wanted to achieve but never could. Mixed with the loneliness, father-hunger, my overbearing mother, and early sexual experiences with other males, I longed for male affection so much that my SSA became firmly rooted in my mind and heart.
I add to this the influence of the media - telling me that my feelings meant I was "gay" (rather than the genuine needs for male affections and affirmation that they really were) and nothing could be done about it. The media also made me believe that the only way to get the affection from other males that I needed and wanted was by homosexual means.A 'gay' life
Needless to say, by the time I was twelve years old, my sexual feelings had been set as entirely homosexual. By the time I was twenty years old I had slept around with many other males, had a handful of boyfriends, and was heavily addicted to gay pornography. However, I was unhappy. The gay life of constant sex, blood tests, and fleeting relationships quickly became empty. The fashionable gay culture soon seemed pathetic, bitchy, selfish, materialistic, and shallow.
Seeds of Change
Later on, two heterosexual guys befriended me. Their influence and their friendship soon led to me feeling more like 'one of the guys'. I started noticing small, although weak, heterosexual flashes. I decided to investigate the causes of homosexuality, and to see if others had experienced changes - no matter how small - in their sexual feelings. I discovered the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) and People Can Change and soon entered into therapy in March 2003. One year later, those small heterosexual flashes have grown into strong sexual feelings, while my homosexual attractions have weakened significantly. Men are no longer mysteriously attractive things to me. They're just mirrors.
Why It Worked
I have been fortunate that the therapy has worked so well and so quickly for me. I believe this is because of my age, my studying of therapy books, the help from others, my mentorship program, and the huge amounts of time and effort dedicated to my treatment. The therapy has not caused me any harm whatsoever. On the contrary, my self-confidence has never been greater, I find it easier to make friends, feelings of guilt have disappeared, and my bouts of depression ended long ago.
I look forward to the next year of therapy. Perhaps one day in the future I can say that I'm entirely heterosexual.My ex-gay diary begins
Hello and welcome. This is my first entry (and it's a bloody long one!).
The development of my homosexuality was fairly typical. A distant father; a close possessive mother; not being as "rough" around other boys; having no one kindle an interest for sports in me; my parents had an unhappy marriage; I had "good little boy" syndrome; I would have to sympathize with my mother when her needs were not met by my father; I was exposed to sex and pornography early in life; I had early sexual experiences; I felt "different"; I had more friends who were girls than boys; I suffered great depression and self-pity for my situation; I had negative male role models whom I did not want to emulate; I was defensively-detached from all other males, scared of being hurt and rejected by them; I didn't feel like "one of the guys", but I oh-so-desperately wanted to be!
You get the idea. I fell well within the typical developmental model for SSA (Same-Sex Attraction, i.e. homosexuality) as understood by Reparative Therapy.
However, as a teenager, I felt as though there was nothing I could do to change my sexuality. My personal beliefs and convictions told me that the gay life was deeply wrong and immoral. I really didn't want to be gay. I did not want to be different. This belief was reinforced as I grew older and experienced the “gay scene” and saw how dreadful it was.
I've always been a very studious person. I'm not stupid. I will study and research something when other people are willing to accept something at face value. When I was about 15 or 16, I decided to study in depth the claims that homosexuality is genetic. After a short time it became apparent not only that the "studies" touted as proof were complete rubbish, but that homosexuality could *never* be genetic as it contradicts what we know about genetics and genetic inheritance (the book "My Genes Made Me Do It!" is a good summary of the evidence).
Armed with this knowledge, I became increasingly convinced that homosexuality must be environmental. I had also heard several stories of straight men that "discover" they are gay, and many stories of gay men "experimenting" with heterosexuality. "Surely," I thought, "sexuality is fluid and not fixed!"
The months passed. Then I was befriended by two other guys of my own age who were not gay like me. Now, normally I would try to ignore straight guys my own age and be extremely ambivalent towards them. I may want to be their friend, but after a while feelings of inferiority or being "different" would make me unenthusiastic. I would also be unwilling to return phone calls, make arrangements to go out with them, etc., because I would want them to "prove" that they want to be my friend.
So, usually, I couldn't keep friends.
However, these two guys were different. They were *extremely* persistent. No matter how much I allowed my defensive-detachment to sabotage my friendship with them, they would keep coming back and keep including me in their activities and their lives.
Over the next couple of years these two guys helped me more than they could ever know. I actually felt like *one of the guys* for the first time! Their strong heterosexuality seemed to rub off on me. I, for the first time ever, started to have heterosexual "flashes". What I mean by that is, I had small, but noticeable, feelings for good-looking women.
This puzzled me enormously. Feelings for girls? Eh? Where did that come from? I had never had any romantic feelings for girls before. I simply didn't realize the significance of what those two guys did for me.
I couldn't just let this rest, so I had to find out what it meant. I searched the Internet for information on changing sexuality. Of course, I came across many pages ridiculing the very idea of change from gay to straight. "But," I thought, "I have seen some change! So it must be possible to some extent." After much searching, I eventually came across http://www.NARTH.com
WOW. I couldn't believe it. I must have read the entire NARTH website in just a single night. For the first time I saw that: 1) homosexuality IS environmental as I suspected, 2) change IS possible, and 3) I knew WHY I had experienced the small changes I already had.
"Eureka!" I thought. Within the next couple of weeks I ordered as many books on Reparative Therapy as I could. Each book was read cover-to-cover within a couple of days, then read a second time with a highlighter pen.
EVERYTHING fell into place. I knew for the first time exactly why I was "gay." It became so clear that I felt a little embarrassed that I had never noticed these *obvious* symptoms before. To be honest, I felt a little silly. I had done so much study and investigation into homosexuality in the past that I was astonished how I could have missed these truths for so long.
Since then I've made huge progress in my study and self-therapy of SSA (Same sex attraction). I've also been a member of an online support group run by http://www.peoplecanchange.com
which has helped me a lot. I also began counseling with a therapist via the telephone in California.
My SSA has decreased noticeably. When I first started the therapy, I would go to sleep at night imagining that I were lying in the strong arms of another man.
And now? Now that idea seems ridiculous. Men simply do not provide me with the emotional gratification that I require. I often go to sleep imagining that I am cuddled up to the girl of my dreams. The idea of cuddling up with a man, on the other hand, seems pointless and simply silly. It's Soooo "last year's" fashion. This isn't because I'm resisting my urges. I'm not *making* myself feel this way. This is simply how I feel. My natural instincts tell me that I can't get gratification from another man. He cannot give me what I want.
Other men are friends, buddies, mates (In the Australian sense), comrades, associates, fellow workers, fathers, uncles, brothers, etc. Not lovers!
I simply no longer *feel* gay. The gay world and gay people seem very strange and unusual to me now. It's like they're a foreign people. I simply cannot understand them anymore nor understand why they would want to do what they do. I can't believe that just 12 months ago I was having anonymous sex with different guys and thought that I was happy and that there was no way out of that addictive cycle.
So, my progress has been very good! Surprised) I'm *finally* getting free from that dank prison called SSA. I'll never miss it. And I'll *never* go back.Progress
I was looking over my first entry that I wrote yesterday, and I thought it may sound a little too enthusiastic. I don't want to make people feel discouraged if I they haven't had as much progress as me.
So, I thought I'd mention what I've done as well as the set-backs I've had.
My self-therapy has mostly consisted of a daily thing, rather than a weekly thing (like seeing a therapist). Every day I've made an effort to read something or research something that will help my therapy. Basically, I've put a ridiculous amount of effort into it. So I expect to see good results.
However, I have had setbacks.
When I first learned about the therapy, I had what Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a reparative therapist, calls the "surge of hope" (I think it was Nicolosi, anyway) at which time my SSA seems to almost disappear overnight, simply due to the power of hope. Of course, as Nicolosi's book said, this sudden change is only temporary. After about a week my feelings returned to normal as I began the long struggle out of homosexuality.
I had been overly optimistic with the surge of hope, and thought I was practically "cured." So when reality set in, I felt somewhat discouraged. But I was just being silly. Progress is meant to be slow and gradual over months and years, not a magic trick which is complete in the blink of an eye.
So in the first few months I struggled to keep away from gay pornography. Eventually this was solved by removing the Internet connection.
A difficult thing for me was controlling my sexual impulses when ill. For some reason, illness had always -- for as long as I can recall -- tripled my sex drive. I couldn't yet figure out why this was. Unfortunately, 4 months into my therapy, while I was very ill with a bad cold, I acted out ("act out" is phrase which means to have gay sex).
Although this was discouraging, I realized that most people who go through the therapy have at least one relapse. I also noted how the sex seemed childish and unsatisfying. I could see and understand what I needed to meet my emotional needs.
A little while later, with the help of others, I managed to figure out why I had such an increase of my sex drive whenever I was ill. This insight helped enormously, and since then I've been ill several times but not had the inclination to act out.
What about the temptation of gay porn? Well, a couple of months ago I got Internet access back, and I checked out a gay porn site because I was bored. But rather than excite me, the pictures just *bored* me. I guess the lack of an emotional void made the images unsatisfying to me. At first I had some sexual excitement, however after a couple of minutes the excitement waned and I just left the site and started doing something else instead.
When you know *why* one finds certain guys attractive, their appeal diminishes greatly.
If truth be told, because my therapy has enabled me to have sexual attraction to females for the first time, I've actually looked at girly porn a few times (with a surprisingly strong level of excitement). Although I stopped doing that also since I don't want to simply swap one sexual addiction for another.
Well, there we have a little bit of info to show you that I'm not perfect. Later on today I'm seeing my therapist, so I might write another entry later on today if anything interesting comes out of it (and for $90 a session, there damn well better be!!).
Well I've had my session with my therapist.
We continued to work through the unresolved anger I have towards other males.
You see, a major cause of my SSA is defensive detachment. I've been disappointed and excluded by other guys for so long that I defensively detach myself from all guys.
I expect to be rejected, made inferior, and excluded from their activities. It all goes back to when I was a child and teenager, how other boys would always -- and I stress always -- seem to exclude me from their social activities, but then openly tell me about them *afterwards*.
So now I get the "fight or flight" response when I meet other guys. I get all tense, have some feelings of anxiety in my stomach, and expect them to reject me. I try to keep them at a distance so they can't harm me. Usually I'm the only one among a large group of guys who won't shake hands, won't take part in some game, or won't be involved in a lively conversation. I'll just sit there, all quiet, separated from them.
To try and work through this, my therapist had me picture in my mind someone who had hurt me in this way. That was easy. There was a guy who hurt me very bad. I really wanted him to be my friend, and he pretended to be, but he excluded me and seemed to rub it in. I then imagined he was standing in front of me, and I said what I thought of him. "Why did you pretend to be my friend? Why did you exclude me? etc". It brought back some painful memories -- what happens years ago can still cause just as much pain today.
Afterwards I felt better. And I felt somewhat empowered. It felt good to (imagine) say to his face what I really thought of how he had treated me and excluded me. My therapist asked me what I felt like doing to the guy who hurt me. I said "I feel like punching him in the face!" So he told me to imagine it! Surprised) Silly, I know. I would never normally punch anyone in the face, but in this fantasy it felt good to take my power back from that guy who had so harshly robbed me of it all those years ago.
When I'm next among a group of guys, I've got to realize that I'm simply angry and upset that I may be excluded and rejected. So next time I'm in a situation where I feel I'm going to be rejected, (with the usual tense anxious feeling of anger) I have to realize that while I'm hurt, I should learn to trust other guys. Not all straight men will reject me. I'm a powerful young man and can speak my mind.
The thing is, with this defensive-detachment, I would normally *make* myself excluded. I act aloof around others and try to distance myself, but then conclude that it's other people's fault and "no body likes me."
So I'm my own self-fulfilling prophecy!
But thanks to my therapy, I'm going to change that.Delusional
I was just thinking about the hilarious ten percent figure I was talking about yesterday.
I know I keep going on about it, but it does fascinate me.
I remember what it was like to be involved in gay culture. I actually did believe that 10% of people were gay - although, if I'm entirely honest - I deep down really thought that all people were gay.
That may sound delusional (and it is), but I really did wonder about it. I found the all-embracing anything-goes gay world to be enticing, exciting, and wonderful. The music, the fashion, the freedom, the bars, the clubs, the magazines, the porn, the liberation. I felt as though I was around people who finally understood me.
Of course, in reality this was because I felt like an "outsider" among normal society, and instead of trying to fit in with normal culture, I would associate with other "outsiders" so we could all be estranged "outsiders" together.
The excitement of the gay culture made me feel that everyone should be a part of it. Discovering who was gay was also exciting - it was amazing to see just how many people also feel this way.
So, it wasn't much of a leap from that to suspecting that all men and women are actually gay deep down inside — they just haven't realized it yet. These feelings were so strong inside of me that I couldn't imagine anyone ever feeling any other way. After all, how could guys possibly be interested in girls? Shouldn't they be all over each other?
But I was delusional. I was speaking as a person with a great emotional deficiency which controlled my mind and thoughts. I felt such strong same-sex attractions because of psychological molding in childhood - pain, unmet love needs, loneliness, and a deficiency of masculinity.
Eventually, however, after doing much research I realized that gays are actually in the minority.
Most people are heterosexual. Although the excitement of gay bars, a "gay village", gay parades, and gay literature may give the impression that "gays are everywhere", the reality is that for every gay bar, there are 1000+ normal bars.
In my own city, the local gay rights group convinced the local authorities and local businesses that 10% of the city's population was gay, and therefore there was a huge untapped market for gay products and services (and the council had a duty to see they were provided). Well, of course, 10% of people are not gay. So what happened? Well, several of the new bars that opened are now bankrupt. The idea of a gay village fizzled out due to lack of public enthusiasm. One of the new gay bars has turned straight in order to stay alive. I don't think they even hold "pride" parades here any more.
The local council and the local businessmen were fooled by the gay rights group - in the exact same way the local gays had fooled themselves.
The excitement of the gay world makes you delusional. You think everyone must feel the same way - you simply cannot understand how people could not think the same way as you. But this is pure fantasy.
The majority of people did not suffer the same emotional scars and arrested development that we suffered as children. Everstraight men and women simply cannot understand why we feel gay. The very idea of two men kissing (or whatever) is hilarious and utterly ridiculous to them, so much so, that gay characters are always present in sitcoms and comedy movies, - not because of increased tolerance - but simply because the very concept of gays is funny and strange!
In a given year, less than 2% of the population are actively gay. Less than 4% of people will ever be, even for a short time in adulthood.
It will greatly shock, offend, and upset several people to say this, but I'll say it anyway: gays always have been and always will be a minority. The whole world is not, and never will be, gay.Naked men, naked women, and erections
Hmm.. what to talk about today? .... ***NOTE*** Before you read this, please note: I don't want any misunderstanding - I am NOT advocating using pornography in the healing process. **********
Well, I could tell you about something that happened a couple of days back.
About a year ago, me and my buddies bought an issue of Loaded, a men's magazine dotted with pictures of hot women half-naked. At the time me and my buddies were lounging around my living room looking at this magazine and the pull-outs, basically just pointing out to each other how hot a particular woman was in the pictures.
Of course, I was acting (i.e. lying). I didn't find the pictures hot at all. Just girls with bikinis on with big arses, as far as I was concerned. "Oh, yeah. She's really nice," I would nervously chuckle, hoping they wouldn't notice that the pictures weren't doing anything for me.
Anyways, I kept that magazine issue in a drawer next to all of my Reparative Therapy books. The other day I got it out again and looked at the "Karma Sutra" pull-out (basically lots of "tasteful" pictures of fit girls spread all over the place, with practically nothing on).
But this time.... wah-hey!! Those girls are really, really, hot. And then an unexpected thing happened, I actually got an erection.
I didn't make myself get an erection. I mean I wasn't feeling myself up or anything. It just happened. When looking at those girls, I just feel a sort of rush inside of me. The feelings just arise from deep inside and I can't help it. Basically, I'm getting heterosexual feelings in the same way I used to get gay feelings. From deep within, so-to-speak.
Likewise, I've noticed changes in my feelings for "hot" guys. I don't know if you get this in your country, but here in the UK a beer company is running some commercials for special "light" beer for women. The adverts involve some physically fit male model basically getting right down to his underpants in bizarre situations, or have a bucket of water thrown over him to make him look sexy. It ends with the phrase "something for the ladies."
Now, what surprised me was this: I've seen those adverts on TV a few times but they don't do a thing for me (not even the first time I saw them). I'm looking at these guys stripping down to their underpants, and yet the inner yearning of desire I used to feel (the same yearning I now get when looking at those women in that magazine) simply isn't there. Which is kind of strange, since I know I would have really enjoyed those adverts at one time.
They just look like guys, and they're nothing special. Nothing mysterious. Nothing attractive.
Since I now feel more of a man, when I see guys like that, it's like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. All I can see are their masculine qualities, which I feel I've already got. They haven't got anything I want, or want to attain to. I don't feel inferior to them. They aren't mysterious. They are the familiar; they aren't my opposite -- women are my unfamiliar opposite.
Basically, I'm just not attracted to guys the way I used to be.
Reparative Therapy works!
Damn it damn it damn it damn it.
It's not fair. If it's not one thing, its another.
Okay, I'll explain. You see, for some time now I've been wishing that I had a girlfriend. Which, I guess, is a good thing. Before therapy, the very idea of a girlfriend was unappealing at best, or filled me with morbid dread of being "smothered" at worst.
The problem is that I'm just sick of sex. I wish I could have a holiday from it. I just don't want to have any sexual feelings at all.
When I was gay, I had sex on my mind all the time, totally obsessed with it. I would spend hours each day masturbating and looking at gay porn (or surfing the internet trying to "hook up" with guys). Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
So anyway, I'm sick of sex. I'm a bit frustrated that in going through therapy I now have a new type of sexual feeling to deal with: girls. Like, last night I was driving home from the local pub (that's a normal pub, and I promise I didn't drink any alcohol!), and I saw this advert in a bus stop for some perfume or something. It had a really nice female model.
Within a few seconds I was fantasizing that I was having sex with her (which I suppose isn't a good thing to do while driving). And now whenever I feel lonely, I just have an overwhelming desire to get a girlfriend. Which bugs me, since I don't know how to get one.
Anyway, in short: I'm still sick of sex.
I guess yesterday was one of my "good" days, therapy-wise. I know some gay guys who would pay $$$ to get to the point I'm at in my treatment.
I dunno, perhaps I'm just ungrateful. I've been waiting for months to get to this point in my progress, I've put in ridiculous and almost obsessive amounts of work into my therapy, and now all I can do is complain.
I guess you just can't please some people!!!
How strange sexuality is... I don't know what to classify myself as anymore. When I was gay, I was gay. But now I'm slowly changing towards the other direction, what exactly am I?
My sexuality seems to change by the hour, depending on my mood and what I'm doing. Like, when I go to sleep at night I fantasize about being with a girl (and I'm turned on), but when I wake up in the morning I keep remembering sex I've had with men in the past (and, again, I'm turned on).
Last night I watched some TV in the dark, something I haven't done for ages (I never watch TV nowadays). I used to watch a lot of TV with the lights off, snuggled up to my boyfriend. So when I did that last night, the first feeling that popped into my head was that of snuggling up with another man.
Yet, when the lights are *on*, the only thing I can possibly get pleasure from is fantasizing that I'm snuggled up with an imaginary girlfriend!
Likewise, when I feel down and lonely, the idea of having a guy pay attention to me, put his arm around me, etc, is at its strongest. But when I'm feeling good, confident, strong, loved, and happy, all of my erotic and emotional desires turn to the opposite sex.
What the gay lobby says about homosexuality being "genetic and unchangeable, like skin color" sounds like a load of bollocks now, doesn't it?Father figures
I've just finished my therapy session.
Today I wanted to explore my father-hunger. That's a thing common to gay men.
The thing is, back when I used to "act out" a lot, I would always go for older guys. And I mean much older. Guys old enough to be my dad or grandad! That really used to turn me on. (If that doesn't scream "emotional deficiency," I don't know what does!)
Whenever I was tempted to act out, I would always think of a particular guy whom I had slept with on several occasions who was much older than me. He wasn't anything stunning, physically. He didn't have any particularly good qualities. In fact, he used me and abused me. But somehow that felt good. The more he abused me and the more he used me like a piece of meat, the more satisfying it was. Of course, this was all terribly unhealthy, and I knew it.
So anyway, today I decided to investigate this further with my therapist. Sure enough, my original thoughts were correct. It's all down to my father-hunger. The more he used me, the more attention he paid me. The more he abused me, the more close I felt to him. Even though he forced me to do things I didn't want to do, he made me feel special. I was like an older man had finally wanted to be intimate with me.
He actually talked to me! He took an interest! My dad never did (and never does - unless he wants money).
Of course, the reason he made me feel special and paid a lot of attention to me was probably because he knew he had hit lucky; at the time I was seeing him I was 19 and he was in his late 50's!!
But it felt good to have all that attention, intimacy, and even abuse from someone older than me. It was like my father-hunger was satisfied by someone who "loved" me.
Yet that was some time ago. In fact, it was so long ago that I'm sure I would have been dumped by now. I'm sure the abuse wouldn't have always felt good. The "love" would have only lasted as long as I could provide what he wanted from me. He would have soon bored of me. If the relationship had lasted, I'm sure that I would have felt smothered and used. The abuse would have eventually stopped feeling good. It would have turned sour.
I'm glad I escaped when I did. And now it hurts to look back and see that I was used by yet another man.
Soon I'm going to start some mentorship with some older male family friends who have agreed to help me in my journey out of SSA. They are going to be true father figures to me. They're going to "re-father the adult-child" as my psychotherapy book puts it.
They've agreed to spend time with me. To listen to me. To have concern for me. They've told me that they care about me. That's what I really want. An older man to care about me and pay attention to me in the way my father never did.
And I'm sure that will be a lot more satisfying, a lot more fulfilling, and more long-lasting, than the temporary feeling of comfort I gained from that old pervert sexually abusing me.Old entry
Today I'm going to share with you an old entry from a diary I had from when I used to act-out and lead a gay lifestyle.
It's an entry about three months before I started Reparative Therapy:
I was supposed to "meet" a guy today. I cancelled. Firstly, I can't be bothered. Secondly, he was one of those guys into leather, which is a bit scary. And last of all, I hate myself enough today without making things even worse. I'm supposed to meet another guy tomorrow, too. Right now I'm thinking of ways to get out of that as well. If I do meet him I think he's wanting to have a threesome with himself, me, and his "partner."
So - what's more horrible than having sex with a man who's old enough to be your dad? I know what! Having sex with TWO men who are old enough to be your dad! I am SO going to make up some excuse to get out of it. Or maybe if I'm feeling particularly malicious, I may just tell him to sod off Smile
I thought I should talk for a little while about being "out." Well, here's my situation. My mother knows, and a handful of my friends know.
However, none of them know about any of my sexual encounters. Somehow it's a lot easier to say "I'm gay" than "I had a guy blow his load in my mouth the other day!".
Yesterday I was feeling unusually happy. I went to bed at about 1am feeling rather content, calm, and happy. I'm not 100% sure why, but it was the first time I felt that way for a while. Maybe it was because I hadn't sold myself away as a free piece of meat for a few days.
I was really happy back then, wasn't I? (not)
I think I may provide more of my old entries on other days - especially on days, like today, when I can't think of anything to say SmileLoneliness
Yesterday I felt strangely lonely. I'm not sure why. I'd been out with one of my buddies the day before, and I played Pool in the evening with my Brother.
But for some reason I felt alone and noticeably un-manly. I felt weak and immature. Whenever I feel like that, my SSA increases slightly and my heterosexual feelings decrease. On the other hand, when I'm feeling good, happy, confident, and manly, my attractions to other men entirely disappear.
If that isn't evidence of SSA being an emotional disorder, I don't know what is! I mean, can you imagine a heterosexual man saying the same thing? "When I feel lonely I'm more sexually attracted to women, but when I feel good about myself I'm barely sexually attracted to women at all" !!!
Of course not!
It's bleeding obvious that SSA is an emotional disorder.On my mind
There are days, in this struggle, when the subject of SSA is on your mind constantly. This is usually because of depression, or whatever, that makes the condition worse. However, there are also days when you're feeling good and SSA never enters your mind, not even for a second.
That's how I've felt for these past few days. My SSA hasn't bothered me at all, and I haven't had any same-sex feelings whatsoever. The only sexual feelings and fantasy have been heterosexual. When I'm like this, it kinda feels weird to think back to my former lifestyle. I can't believe that I was ever a part of it -- and I certainly cannot comprehend why I ever wanted to be a part of it. Gay people seem like strange foreigners that I cannot understand. I just can't understand how or why they feel that way... oh, wait a moment, hang on - I used to be one of them, didn't I? Oh yes... how silly of me to forget.
Whenever I see gay men I can't help but instantly recognize all the inferiorities that I used to posses. In many men I can even identify the typical things that probably caused or at least contributed to their SSA -- if only they knew how much of a disorder it really is!!!
The gay life is so unappealing to me and -- quite frankly -- I can't imagine why anyone would want to be a part of it.
But, then again, I've managed to grow out of it and mature into a very good heterosexuality. Many other men don't have that privilege and are stuck with their developmental error, spending their lives suffering all the inferiorities, the uncontrollable attractions, the depressions, not knowing the way out, and not knowing that it can be overcome.
What a shame.So-called Homophobia
There's a great article about gay cruising at the Deseret News. It shows how the police force there is using psychotherapy to help men who have the compulsion to seek sex with other men in public places.
It's interesting because they are using many of the techniques used by Reparative Therapy - and it's all supported by the local gay rights group!
They use the technique to help men stop and think when they want to act-out. They have to realize when they feel lonely (or whatever) and then try to fulfill that need in a healthy way. The program has enjoyed good success, too.
The comparison to Reparative Therapy is obvious. If these men continue to pursue psychotherapy like that, I'm certain that their homosexual desires will decrease (of course, I believe that all gay men can become somewhat heterosexual if they undergo enough therapy and provided they put in enough effort).
Anyway, one part of the article caught my eye. The police force was saying how the men that cruise usually are family men with a spotless police record, and less than 1% of them are involved in drugs.
I'm sure the reporter put that little statistic in there to help "prove" that gay men are not drug abusers, as so many anti-gay campaigners claim.
However, let's look at that statistic from a different perspective. The official line of the pro-gay lobby has always been that the higher levels of suicide, depression, and drug abuse in the gay community are due to oppression and "homophobia". But is that really true? No.
It seems that the more one is involved in the gay world, the "gay scene" with the bars, clubs, bath houses, etc, the more susceptible to drug abuse one is. It seems that men who keep their sexuality secret and lead a covert life hiding "in the closet" seem to be able to cope with life without abusing drugs.
Yet, those people who do have the "loving" support of a lively community, other gay men, boyfriends, gay culture, and gay support groups, seem to abuse drugs to a shocking degree!!
Surely, if it was "homophobia" and intolerance that caused the high rates of drug abuse, then those people more involved in gay culture should have lower rates of abuse. But they don't -- it's the other way around!
The simple truth is this: the high rates of drug abuse among the gay community is due to the gay community -- and not due to the so-called "homophobia". That's a cop-out excuse and the only people who would believe are blind, ignorant, and most of all, incredibly dumb.Inadequate resources
Sometimes I get a bit frustrated with the lack of resources to help people in change therapy.
It's okay for you Americans who have all of your ex-gay groups and Reparative Therapists dotted all over the country, but for people not living in the states, it's a bit more difficult!
I can't even get a therapist anywhere in this country of 58 million people -- I have to telephone one in California -- that's eight time zones away! Not to mention the fact that psychotherapy is very expensive. If it wasn't for my parents forking out the money for it, I could never afford it.
So, let's assume that I could never afford a therapist. What then? Well, in the UK we have a thing called the NHS, which basically means you get medical treatment for free. However, thanks to the pro-gay liars, homosexuality is no longer considered a psychological condition - so there is no chance in hell of me getting free Reparative Therapy (or any therapy) on the NHS.
So, what am I left with? Well, there are books. Lots and lots of books. I have many of them. But they are all psychological books, and they are very in-depth. If I was stupid, had a short attention span, or couldn't read very well, I would be unable to get the full benefit from those books - if any at all.
So, let's assume I'm stupid and poor, and living outside the USA. What am I now left with?
Well, there are online support groups. But what if I don't have an internet connection?
Then I'm screwed.
Gay porn is boring
Yup, it is. It's really boring.
***NOTE*** Before you read this, please note: I don't want any misunderstanding - I am NOT advocating using pornography in the healing process. **********
This morning I woke up feeling rather, well, horny. So I decided that I'd spurge just this once and indulge in some gay porn from the Internet. I went to a couple of my favorite sites (sites I always relied on before my therapy) to see what new porn had been added over the past 9 months which I will have missed.
The problem was, that I seem to have forgotten about all the progress I have made in feeling more confident, masculine, "one of the guys", less dominated by women, having less self-pity, and authentically connecting with other men.
So, what happened when I looked at the porn? Well, after flicking through four lengthy pages of thumbnails of hard-core gay porn, and looking at a few pics full-size, I actually managed to lose the erection I had to begin with!
How dull is that?! Looking at the hard-core gay porn actually made me lose my sexual excitement. Not even the "Bears" section of the website could arouse me ("Bears" is a gay term for men with a lot of body hair). That used to be my favorite gallery at one time, along with various other aberrant things I won't mention. I just can't understand how I used to spend hours and hours looking at that stuff, usually masturbating three or more times.
Well, I guess the therapy is really working for me -- perhaps even better than I realize.
OK, I admit that back when I was gay, looking at gay porn was actually fun. However, the feeling of being more confident, masculine, and having great male buddies, is a lot more fun and 10x more satisfying than looking at gay porn ever was. Not to mention how lovely and intoxicating some girls can be.
Gay men really are missing out on a whole lot, in my opinion.
The apprentice has become the master
I'm think I might stop going to see my therapist. There's nothing wrong, you understand. I like him, and he has helped me make progress.
In fact, there's nothing wrong at all. That's why I'm thinking of dropping him. I've made a lot of progress recently and I think there is very little new insight he can give me.
The last couple of times I've seen him it's been rather uninsightful. I have presented to him a problem or issue I've picked, explained it to him, conjectured why I think I feel that way (with him agreeing), then I've verbally described how I think I can resolve the problem. He listens, and agrees with me. He then asks me some questions, to make sure that I indeed do have the right idea. And it turns out that I am perfectly correct in everything I've said.
In other words... I've read up on the subject so much that there is little remaining of my condition that I do not understand. I know exactly what I have to do, what I should be doing, etc, and all I need now is to buckle down and actually do it!
So all of that obsessive study of Reparative Therapy, with all the note-books, essay-writing, and highlighter-pens actually paid off! (quite literally, too - save lots of $$$)
I think I'll continue to see him, but less often. Perhaps once a month. Perhaps only when something comes up that I can't figure out on my own. Surprised)
Another old entry
Not much has happened today, SSA-wise. I was feeling a bit down earlier today, so I went to see a family friend of mine who knows of my struggles. Talking to him really encouraged me, as it always has.
Since I can't think of anything more to write, here's an entry from my old diary, from when I was 19 years old and leading a gay life:
I had another thought today. This time about my future. Where will I be when I'm say... 50 years old? I'm wondering that because I'm still thinking about the guy I had sex with last week. He was probably in his 50's or late 40's. I thought he was a bit of a perv, but I didn't fully realize how much of a perv he was until yesterday when he called me. He tried to make me hard over the phone. He asked me if I'd spunked for anyone else and told me to 'keep that sweet spunk inside' me for when he next meets me. Bloody hell. That guy is old enough to be my dad! I didn't find his efforts particularly arousing. If anything I can't believe I ever met him, never mind had sex with him. I feel SICK.
But anyway, I digress. That man made me think about myself. Do I really want to be like him when I'm 50 years old? Do I want to be an old perv who tries to get 19 year olds hard over the phone? Do I want to become someone whose main pleasure in life is sexual encounters?
Right now the greatest pleasures in my life are learning new things, accomplishing tasks (i.e. programming), making true friends, and taking healthy exercise. I think I am a pretty well-rounded individual (despite my actions over the recent years). .... And that’s why I really really really DON'T want to become like him - or like any of the other raving queens down the gay bar.
I'm not sure where I want to be when I'm 50 years old. But I sure know where I don't want to be. I don't want my main pleasure in life to be sex. I don't want to use other people for what they have. I don't want to be assimilated into the screaming-bitchy-selfish-dramaQueen gay culture.
I don't want to be them. I'd rather be me.
I thought I was rather a happy person back then. How wrong I was! I was miserable. Being heterosexual is 10x better. I don't miss my old homosexual desires at all. Reparative Therapy saved my life.
Yet, I've still got a long way to go. I'm sure that after another year has passed by, I will be even happier with my new sexual orientation.Bloody family
Oh why oh why does 'family dynamics' play such a large role in my SSA? It's not fair. I wish I were one of those guys for whom family dynamics played no role. Dealing with your family is really difficult and can cause much stress and conflict.
My sister is driving me insane. She's staying over at the moment and all of the past frustrations and arguments I had with her as a child are flooding back to me. She hasn't changed over the years, either. She's still overly-defensive, bitchy, childish, selfish, manipulative, bossy, violent, and can be calm one moment yet screaming and shouting the next. You have to be ultra-careful not to say the wrong thing; otherwise, she'll hurl abuse at you.
She was a highly negative influence on me when I was growing up. Along with her (a bitch), my mother (smothering/possessive), and grandmother (interfering/stupid), the impression I had of women was of smothering and manipulating psychopaths. Couple that with my impression of masculinity from my brother (aggressive) and father (distant/uninterested/smelly/weak) and you have a very bad family dynamic, almost custom-made for the development of SSA. (Of course, family dynamic are never the entire story, however it is a common contributing factor for many men - especially me!).
I try to keep my contact with my family as short and authentic as possible. I try not to be bossed about by my sister, smothered and burdened by my mother, and criticized by my father. If I manage to stay in my own "masculine power" (as some would say) and stand on my own two feet as a grown up man, they won't be able to belittle me and make me feel like I'm 1 inch tall, robbing me of any inner sense of masculinity and maturity.
Sometimes they make me feel so small and inferior, like a child, that I want to just hand my mother and/or sister a pair of scissors and say "go on then, just cut off my balls and be done with it!!!"
The more I am able to stand up to them, the more masculine I feel, and the less compelling my SSA.
I managed to face many of my fears in the gym. I can actually use the weights in front of other men without being self-conscious, and I can look at other guys authentically, seeing the same masculine traits in them as I feel I have in myself. In other words, they're men just like me and are not "distant" and "mysterious" (and no longer sexually appealing).
Occasionally there are even some nice girls in the gym. Although, to be honest, I believe women should be banned from the gym. They take ages and ages with the machines, spend a long time just sitting around yakking to each other on the weight benches, and they don't put the weights back in the correct place.Sleeping around
I was just thinking about how horrible it used to be when I would sleep around with other guys.
You'd start off by craving the love, attention, and power that only another man can give you - sexually. There's a great excitement at "hooking up" and meeting. After some initial small talk, you get down to business and satisfy your emotional and sexual cravings. The release of tension is enormous.
However, after you're finished, you go home (or the other person leaves to go to their home). And suddenly you're right back to square one, in the exact same situation you were to begin with. You're alone. While you may have experienced that great sexual "love" with another man, by the time you're due to go to bed, you go to bed alone with no one to "love" you. You're still alone. You still crave that intimacy. You're still just as unloved as before.
If the person you've hooked up with stays the night, it's not really intimacy and love. You don't even know the person. In fact, in the back of your mind you have the niggling doubt that you can't be sure if you can totally trust the person, either. If you cuddle up in bed together, it's not due to love, intimacy, or knowing each other well, but simply a mutual agreement to provide what each other wants.
Of course, gay relationships are a different story. They're torrid love affairs filled with manipulation, fierce attachment, game-playing, and ultimately disillusionment.
Still, despite all of the above, when I was acting out and doing those things, I thought I was leading quite a happy life. I felt I could control it, and have a mastery over it, so I would be able to cope with the cold nature of the gay world and come out of it happy, somehow.
How wrong I was! I was as miserable as I could be. Of course, I simply didn't know any better. Now that I've seen the "other side of the fence," I can look back and see how terribly empty that life was - as well as the life of every other gay man I've ever known.
Since leaving the gay life, and developing heterosexual feelings thanks to Reparative Therapy, I've never been happier.Illusions
"We fell in love. We really did!" said one gay man. Yup, I've been there, done that. Gay love feels great. You first meet a man, who seems to posses everything you could ever want in a guy. You have oh so much in common with each other. You've only known each other for practically 5 minutes, but it doesn't matter - you're in love. You just love the other person to bits. The feelings of loneliness and heartache are gone, all of your emotional needs are met. You own the other person. You do everything together. We're very clinging. We keep a firm and controlling hold on each other.
Time passes. The other person becomes more familiar, and less mysterious. You can see his faults, and can also see how he's not quite suited to fulfilling all of your needs as you had previously thought. He no longer seems as attractive. Only the distant "mysterious" males are attractive. However, he continues to fulfill many of your wants, so you keep the relationship going for a while.
He's gone out on his own without you. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he masturbating without me? If so, who is he thinking about? Has he cheated on me? Does he still love me? To try and rekindle romantic interest, there is teasing, withdrawal of affection, pretending to be offended, being overly upset, fighting over trivial matters, threats, or denial of sex. The other person then has to ‘prove’ his love for me by making strong affectionate and romantic gestures to make amends.
However, I'm starting to feel smothered. I can't do anything without him knowing about it or being with me. He can no longer fulfill all of my wants and needs. There are other men who are more good looking than him. I want to move on and end the relationship. Perhaps I can find someone else who is really perfect for me, who can satisfy my needs, and whom I can love to bits.
This is not mature love. Heterosexuals do not fall in love in five minutes. They do not have, on average, relationships lasting just one or two years. This is because "gay love" is "an adolescent sentimentality – puppy love – and erotic craving" that only exists so long as the other person can satisfy one's own needs. The search for love is more the search for a same-sex friend. Its an adolescent craving for affection, driven by self-pity. As reparative therapaist Dr. Aardweg puts it, "Seeking love as a means of comforting one’s hurts may be passive and ego-centered. The other person is there only to love the “poor me”.
This is begging for love, not really mature loving. A homosexual may feel that he is the affectionate, loving, and protective one, but in effect this is a game to attract the other to himself. It is all embedded in sentimentality and is profoundly narcissistic. … what is desired is a close, exclusive, affectionate intimacy, warmth for the poor desolate soul one is."
Dr. Aardweg also says of gay relationships, "The attention-seeking instead of loving; the continuous tensions, generally stemming from the recurrent complaint, You don't love me; the jealousy, which so often suspects, He (she) is more interested in someone else.[It is] neurotic… notwithstanding the shallow pretensions of 'love'. Nowhere is there more self-deception in the homosexual than in his representation of himself as a lover. One partner is important to the other only insofar as he satisfies that other's needs... Homosexual unions are clinging relationships".My experience with the Endless Cycle of Gay Love
1. Meet. Fall "in love" almost immediately.
2. Relationship is primarily sexual at first.
3. Sex becomes less frequent, more like friends.
4. Feelings of co-dependence, smothering, possessiveness, and jealousy appear.
5. Interest in a third party and/or bitch arguments end it at a final 'showdown'
6. Go back to step #1 and repeat.
"Surely, though, there are some gay couples who have good long-lasting relationships?" you may ask. No, there aren't. Long term gay couples are always — and I stress always — non-exclusive (that means they have sex with other people). The 1984 book Gay Couples reported that 91% of gay couples that had been together for more than 5 years are non-exclusive. One report couldn't find a single gay couple that had been together for longer than 10 years and remained exclusive.
In the gay world, finding 'Mr. Right' and settling down to a loyal lifelong relationship is nothing more than a fairytale (no pun intended).More of a man
This cold (which I am now finally getting over) has left me feeling all weak and unmanly again. I hate this. Before I got this illness I was feeling confident about myself. But now when I look in the mirror, all I see is a less-than-a-man, a weakling, a girl, a fag.
I've really got to get back into the swing of my Reparative Therapy, which is, of course, designed to help me feel more confident about myself and feel like I'm more of a mature young man.
So anyways, I've asked my brother to play football with me tomorrow. I used to have a morbid fear of playing football, and mixing with the "rough" lads, so whenever I conquer that fear I feel absolutely fantastic, and my inner sense of manhood gets a little encouragement. I can't wait to play again! Actually, when I was gay I loathed football (along with the "ignorance" of the players and supporters; and their macho attitude). However, now I can really appreciate it and find it to be a whole lot of fun. I never thought I'd say this, but I really love playing football!
Following a specific team is another matter, I can't quite understand the appeal of that yet. But, regardless, these "manly" activities really have broken down my resistance to identifying with other men. I don't view other guys as merely "stupid" or "ugly", while putting other men on a pedestal of "perfection." I no longer keep quiet, but I try to get involved. Such things really do help me feel like I'm 'one of the guys' and those guys whom I used to admire as perfection itself are no longer as mysterious -- or as sexually attractive.Being held / holding
I remember when I first started therapy wondering about the feelings of being held at night. Like, when going to sleep at night I used to imagine being held by another man. I knew that if I was to develop further heterosexuality, that feeling would eventually change. Eventually I knew that I would have to feel like I want to hold, not be held, but want to hold a girl. The problem was that at the time I couldn't possibly imagine why I would ever want to hold someone else - particularly a girl. Being held by a guy was the only thing that made sense - anything the other way around was just strange.
Now, however the tables have turned. I cannot image why I would ever want to be held at all. Holding someone else, a girl, seems like the natural instinct.
Also, occasionally when sleepy, I'll go back to old habits and begin to imagine that I'm being held by a guy. But then it suddenly feels very weird and, imagining the guy is lying next to me, I push myself away feeling somewhat embarrassed, shake the guys hand, say "hello, you alright, mate?" and end up having a ridiculous 'fantasy' that I'm just talking to an ordinary bloke about mundane matters.
When you realize that sex just isn't what you really want, the foundations of SSA just give way and the whole construction collapses. Sex with another man is a way of bypassing all of the uncomfortable things like talking, activities, identification, work, etc. that normally draws you close to other males. Instead of gaining affirmation and intimacy though these normal channels, you can bypass them and go straight for the most intimate place - the groin - and absorb the other person's masculinity into yourself, without the petty need for authentically getting to know the man in healthy non-sexual ways.
So when the sex is over, you're still just as detached and unfamiliar with the other man, and all men, as you were to begin with. The sexual intimacy is an illusion and can never satisfy what you really want - affirmation, companionship, and identification with the world of real men.
Conversely, gaining that affirmation, companionship, and identification with real men has the opposite effect. You no longer need to take the short route straight to sex, because you've already got what you want. So the sex becomes superfluous and entirely unappealing.